I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. Also, this is tangential, but Im always amused/annoyed when people are criticized for being geeks but if the topic at hand were sports, no one would say a thing. Try to get him to understand that all he has done so far is push away those people that he probably cares about the most his wife and children. Additionally, she may worry that if she stays in an unhappy marriage like yours, it will damage her relationship with her future spouse. 1. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. The fact that he is open to sharing his interests with her is key thats going to be where the relationship develops. as well, which is probably why this struck a chord with me. I think you are probably right. July 2, 2013, 11:13 am. But he always treated me like an adult and respected and loved me and I think he had a huge hand in making me a pretty confident 24 year old woman and I know what I want and deserve from boyfriends. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. She may not have attended every softball game, but she never missed a dance recital or play, and always made sure I had a clean uniform for those softball games and a snack to take with me. Your biggest enemy when your spouse is driving you crazy is proximity. , temperance I hope that you can in the process of all this also try to strengthen your marriage, because when your daughter gets new interests in two years or doesnt want to hang out with her parents or even when she moves out of the house, your husband is going to be the one who youre left with. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! I would go on drives to see the eagles, fished, endured Cardinal games and college basketball games. And your husband needs to grow the eff up and be supportive of your daughters interests. I got a very different vibe from this. Give up some of your precious one-on-one time with your daughter so that your husband can take her hiking or camping or to a science museum. Do you think he liked listening to my fangirlish squees? Your first reaction is to take sides, but you realize that would be a mistake. And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. Im dying for new people to follow! When you think you know what to expect or how to deal with them, they change the rules, seemingly arbitrarily. I dont think that as a parent, you are required to indulge in things you dont approve of. Great suggestion! You have to do whats best for yourself and your family. How the Courts Respond to Parental Substance Use. My plan is to lock mine in the basement and bribe her into going to a local college. So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. Reviewed by Jessica Schrader. Do I look back on those times with my dad now and appreciate the time we spend together? When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. He also occasionally went to movies with us. I was an athlete and a complete girly girl (still am), so my dad got his sports buddy and princess in one child my sister was not into sports or girly things. I have vivid memories of being forced to attend Cardinals games with my dad because my mom said it was important. Exactly! At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. So because you think something is a timewaster you get to mock people for their interests at 12. It stated in the letter that the daughter does try to be accommodating. He should be talking to his wife about how he feels alienated when it is the three of them, but this is an issue between him and his wife. You are actually the only other person not from Scranton that has known what the show was! There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. Such is not the case if youre on the end of a crazy-making partner. But I agree with everything else you said. I was just trying to say basically the same thing, but it got all garbled. It sounds like this dad is a bit of a jerk, who when he introduces something and she isnt into it makes fun of her. I hiked and canoed. How do I say this to her without hurting her feelings? I think my athletic and musical skills would have benefited a lot if I could have had practice early. If anything, his dislike for it will help it belong to her more fully as she learns to separate herself from her parents. lets_be_honest I was shocked that a father is rolling his eyes and telling his daughter that her interests annoy him. You may not see the rewards right away. I literally didnt know that the wonders of Classic Rock existed until I got to college. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. I reminded him that he likes sex better in the morning and he called me frigid and slept on the couch. I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. :: If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. But I see why he would so Im giving him the benefit of the doubt. I dont care that much about baseball, but my dad is a fanatic so I played catch with him in the backyard and had fun because we were spending time together. I think the bottom line is that she is twelve- all of her interests could change in a year or two. So I was just assuming it happened similarly for LW and her daughter. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move. Youre right, though. I think visiting an air and space museum if shes interested in Star Trek is a great idea. What kind of history and science is your husband into? Cool! He wants to force his daughter to conform to the kind of person who enjoys the things that he does, and cutting her down for not being competitive (which usually means involved in team sports) and forcing her to do homework to his liking is not the same as an involved parent working to help his child become well rounded. Asking. Well I disagree with the context, but not the actual content, of this advice. July 2, 2013, 2:36 pm. There are times I dont have any interest in my husbands hobbies, but I know that if I go with him to a Magic: The Gathering tournament this weekend, hell accompany me to see the new Pixar movie when I want to go. Lastly, the article idea isnt a bad one, but hes going about it all wrong. July 15, 2013, 3:10 pm. But those are not her interests right now, although she does participate when he asks her to. I dont comment a lot but wanted to say I often like your comments. My dad did tell me they were awful back in the day but he still bought me all the tapes and magazines and t-shirts and let me plaster my walls with their posters and drove me to their concert. For some reason I keep imagining LWs husband as Red Foreman and her daughter as Eric. July 2, 2013, 11:04 am. If the individual is below the legal age of drinking at 21, the BAC level is usually around 0.02. Then wed throw it back and go back to just hanging out. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? I agree Dad needs to work on himself and his approach, but Mom definitely does too. First, remember that it is normal for there to be some conflict between a parent and child. He is your best friend, your teammate and your partner. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. Did I always do things he would agree with necessarily? So is telling your daughter that the things she listens to or your conversations are annoying. I guess all dads watch that Wow, you just brought back memories! Sometimes those things just happen. LWs daughter should definitely be involved with some enriching activities, but theres no harm at all in loving media. Most of which are tucked away out of sight. If he doesnt mind, that would probably be a good show of support to begin with. honeybeenicki Fruits and veggies are healthier than potato chips thats a fact. And imagine the lesson you would have learned if your dad had rolled his eyes at your piano recital, etc. For every outing he chooses and she doesnt like, they should also choose something together that they can both enjoy (for example, shes into Star Trek and hes into science, so go to a space museum). July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. 6napkinburger my parents made us go to church every Sunday then come home and watch meet the press. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). If you want to bring about change in your family, though, you are going to have to get him to confront the fact that his behaviour is hurtful, destructive, and possibly even cruel. Terms & Conditions . Now Im just boring because Im too repetitive. For me there were clues that it went further than that (the wanting her to be competitive and giving her reading assignments for instance), but its possible that because these are her interests too that shes being overly sensitive about it. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. I know that we all love the music from our generation. Also, seriously, have you been on Tumblr? Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you navigate this difficult situation. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. On the other side, my sister hates sports and has ZERO in common with my dad and I would say prefers my mom to him. These were followed up by hours and hours of This Old House, which we were required to sit through for family time but we werent allowed to speak at all during the show, lest my father miss something. July 2, 2013, 1:17 pm. Its that shes finding she doesnt always like her dad. Wed do something hed want to do (touring a waste water treatment plant seriously), and then wed do something I wanted to do a couple weeks later (he took me to see Rent when I was 13!). July 2, 2013, 3:55 pm, Damn, this is like the last thing I would think commenters would get all riled up and defensive over , 6napkinburger In the meantime, you can bolster your children's confidence and counter the ill effects of your husband's put-downs by constantly reassuring them of your love and affection. Others say no because the spouse is the one person who will always be there for you, no matter what. I think This Old House was all overbut only we know Miss Judy. He played the songs over and over and he had albums (and still does) and he would play them and copy them to the cassette so we could listen to them in the car together (pre CD times). Definitely! he wants to teach her to drive. To me, I imagined them insisting on listening to Buffy podcasts in the car Something that would make me either toss the ipod out the window or leave certain people at the curb, painted_lady I never did the gross stuff either. My dad probably had no interest in my piano recitals or spelling bees, but he sure knew how to act like they were the most important things in the world to him. And whenever I caught a fish, my dad was the one to do all the gross work to deal with it. July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. Its every parents nightmare: watching their child drift away from them. A few years from now this guys daughter interests may have changed, but she wont be bothering to talk to him about it or anything at all, most likely. a truly horrible driver. I simply didnt get it.) One other thought is that, maybe this really isnt about the daughter, but about her and her husband, she references herself a lot in this letter, and maybe she really has a problem with the way he treats her, but she just doesnt want to admit it. June 30, 2022 by Team The Relationship Notes. I teach freshmen in college, and a lot of them are still Buffy fans. In my case, Im sure there would have been something else to criticize if I was a different kid. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. What?! Having them spend time alone will foster at least appreciation for each others interests and give them bonding time alone to build the relationship and find common ground now that your daughter is growing up.
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my husband is driving my daughter away